i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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