We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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