TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Two words: nipple clamps
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