Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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