Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
