if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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