I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
How does one acquire holy water?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
