i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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