I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
