can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
