wrigley field is MILF paradise
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
