Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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