the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
