I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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