so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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