I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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