He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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