your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
