i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize