If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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