My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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