Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
