I just threw up on my dentist
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
