i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
