I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
