i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
