I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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