just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
What a fucking waste of an outfit
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
