I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
