dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
