Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
