you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
