Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
