Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
