You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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