His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize