Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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