Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I pour the whiskey from now on
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
