I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize