My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
