The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
that is very illegal...i love you.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
