The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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