a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
