In the future we'll all be gay
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
