Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
