Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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