i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
