i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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