see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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