I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
