my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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