People with herpes should wear stickers.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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