Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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