My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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