So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Randomize
