So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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