tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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