I've blown a few things in my day
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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