I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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