how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
