Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I did not marry a roomba.
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